Today I had dinner with my roommate Paul, Steph (Paul’s girlfriend), and Paul’s postdoc friend Masaki and his family. Masaki has two boys– one who just turned 4 and a 1-and-a-half year old– and they are precious beyond all belief. Seriously. They are the cutest kids I’ve ever spent an extended amount of time with (okay fine, that isn’t saying much… haven’t spent time around too many kiddos).
I think it’s cause they’re Japanese.
Anyway, this is a strange feeling… I always thought I hated kids, but recent I’ve caught myself staring absentmindedly at them and thinking to myself “aww isn’t he/she cute.” Especially kids in beanies… who’s idea was that? So awesome.
I know you’re thinking– oh, must be the biological clock– but I don’t think that’s what it is (at least I hope not… ugh). I guess I’ve just never seriously thought about kids before. Or wanting to have them at some point in my life. Just never came up…
But now, it seems like it’s an inevitable subject to think about. I’m hanging out with people with kids. My coworker is pregnant. Who knows, some of my friends might have kids soon, too. (Read: Kids! Upcoming kids! Potential kids!) They’re everywhere!! @__@
[regains composure...]
The thought is scary, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m worried (despite my best efforts to consciously resist societal pressures) that there’s something wrong with me. Most of my girlfriends talk about it like this:
Friend #1: I’ve wanted kids since I was in middle school.
Friend #2: I want a big family.
Friend #3: You dont want kids?!! I want… 2. or 3. Probably 2, I dont think i’ll be able to afford 3. [direct quote, lol. Hope you don't mind, Jip]
My thought process, on the other hand, is something more like this:
What?! Kids?? I’m too young to think about that. I mean… I guess… if you forced me to think about it I’d want more than one. Better they have a playmate… single children are just sad. And I’d want them to be chubby. Round things are cuter. Oh, and they would wear un-stylish clothes. Kids that are too fashionable annoy me.
Maybe it makes me so uneasy because it hints at a lack of conviction. Kids (and marriage, implicitly, I suppose) fall into the category of “if it happens, it happens,” but something that I would be okay without. It worries me, though, that it’s yet another thing that I’m not actively pursuing that I “should” be (again, sorry for succumbing to societal expectations).
Blah. Feel like I’ve revealed excessive vulnerability. I feel so naked. :P
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Considering the stress and crazy decisions that can result from our rabid, evolution-encouraged search for a spouse (for the sake of producing offspring), I think it’s best to approach it from your “if it happens, it happens” perspective. That’s my philosophy.
Of course, I’d still love to have kids someday.
Comment by Ethan March 8, 2010 @ 1:09 amNo cookies for Joey for commenting on your facebook.
Comment by Leo March 8, 2010 @ 1:21 amDitto to the guy above who said it all. I think we all go through stages of craving for kids and settle down after realizing how much sacrifice is involved. Had you lived with Japanese post-doc for days or months, the kids might not be so cute anymore.
As for fighting against social expectations, I find reading Emerson or Thoreau pretty helpful.
Oh Christine! You are the best. :) I’m glad to find that someone else has these worries too (though I’m sorry that you’re worried!! but the point is, if all of us are worried, then it’s normal right?)
I really hate the “checklist” feeling too. It’s probably stupid, but I hate the feeling that someone might look at my life, not knowing the decisions I made and why I made them, and think that I’m so “behind” on things. I try to remind myself that societal expectations aren’t really anything to worry about: subverting them is good, but following them isn’t bad either. I mean, it works, for a lot of good, happy people. But it also doesn’t work for a lot of good, happy people.
The weird thing is that I’m around quite a few people here in grad school who swear that they will not procreate. I don’t know if it’s because we’re all into that subverting-societal-expectations thing, haha, or what. I myself doubt that many of us will follow through. And I have actually envisioned a very narrow set of circumstances in which I would want a kid, which is a new development.
I think there definitely are strong reasons against having kids! In fact, I think most people’s are bad reasons. But in any case, the desire to have kids is–just like the desire to get married–something that surely deserves some critical reflection. I only recently realized that I implicitly assumed all my life that I’d get married to somebody, but actually, I don’t *have* to at all! It’s a nice realization to have.
Comment by robin March 8, 2010 @ 1:51 amyou’re too young. start worrying when you’re 30. :)
Comment by chui March 8, 2010 @ 8:11 pm“single children are just sad”?
excuse me?
i stopped reading after that.
Comment by awesomeness March 9, 2010 @ 4:45 amas to your earlier ramblings i’ll say this:
the best kinds of children are the illegitimate ones. all of the biological payback, none of the societal responsibility.
Comment by awesomeness March 9, 2010 @ 4:46 amyou’re so cute, clee, you’d have cute babies.
but, i think that, if thinking about it stresses you, then you probably don’t want to put yourself through the process. i do think i’ve heard of many mothers who, once they have kids, they love it and think they were foolish to think they didn’t want to have babies.
that being said, don’t rush yourself, you could always adopt a cute baby in the future that needs a home!
or not… *hugs*
Comment by Omar March 10, 2010 @ 4:37 amWay to call me out. :)
Comment by Jippy March 21, 2010 @ 11:58 amYeah… I think I know what you mean. I’ve been thinking a lot about the future actually and how having a family/kids would work in my career path. It’s not the easiest thing given the time demand that research takes, as it is with any high-paced career. And I always thought I would settle my career down first then think about starting a family, but now I realize that’s not quite what I want to do. Ahh… Maybe it’s better not to worry about this until it comes up :p
Comment by jho March 22, 2010 @ 2:57 am